Navigating the unspoken challenges that new dads face

July 3rd, 2023

When it comes to pregnancy and childbirth, quite rightly the vast majority of literature and help available is aimed at mother and new baby. What about the new dads? Clearly the challenges aren’t as dramatic, but some do exist and there’s no harm in drawing on my own experiences in this area to potentially help someone out.

1 – The chances are you’ll feel like a bit of a spare part in the early stages

…and this can last for anything up to a year and beyond! There is a bond between mother and baby and it’s not just because of any breastfeeding that may or may not be happening. Baby has already been a part of mother for the past nine months and that bond undoubtedly makes them closer from the off. “Stating the obvious”? Perhaps. But many new dads struggle with this and aren’t really prepared for it. Any feelings of jealousy or uselessness must be damped down as you feel they ought to pale into insignificance compared with everything else going on!

One solution is to get ahead of this. Anticipate and prepare to play the support role in ‘this band’ for a while. It can be tough for the lead singer to play the drums at the back for a while… but the drummer is equally important to the rhythm of the whole performance. Take pride in your role. Be a genuinely useful support; ask questions and know even though you might not be the one whose attention is required most at this time, this phase passes relatively quickly as your direct role grows.

2 – Your productivity will drop. Dramatically

Hopefully there is some paternity leave that you can take, but even beyond that, the number of free hours you have in the day will simply look nothing like they used to! You might find that you’re in a situation where you’re required to do the same amount of work in less time… and whilst being sleep deprived. Forced efficiency is probably coming your way… steps may have to be taken to remove every possible source of procrastination from your workplace in order to progress.

You’ll quickly realise that despite all the books, classes, experts and advice…

3 – Everyone is making it up as they go along

Oh yes. Your baby is unique, and so are you. Advice is great, but never feel bad about doing what works in-the-moment for your unique situation, trusting your gut, or making things up as you go along. Once you realise that that’s what everyone else is doing, you’ll feel better about this!

as wonderful as this new joy in your life is, with all its benefits…

4 – …there will probably be a moment when you realise that you’re missing some of the things which were part of your life – this could be leisure activities, date nights, good times out with different friend-groups, all and any of these could have been completely removed by your new circumstances! The trick is to find a way, when appropriate, to replicate best you can the feeling you got from those events. So… date nights might look very different for a while… but it’s important to get this back in the diary, even if it’s just a ‘stolen’ hour while baby sleeps. A big raucous ‘Boys night’ might be a long way off but it’s a good idea not to lose contact or touch with your friends completely – even if it means yet more ‘Zoom’ to replace conversations that you would have been having. Keep those fires burning, and stay in touch!

5 – Kids are expensive

You knew this of course, but your mind will boggle at how something that small can consume so much! A fresh look at budgeting and what you can and can’t do for now can save you a world of strife down the line; think ahead and ‘cut your cloth’ accordingly.

6 – It’s a big challenge to your relationship

It’s a stat none of us like to think or talk about, but these days half of all marriages end in divorce… and problems can often be traced back to these early stages when the kids are very young. (And strife isn’t exclusive to the married, either!) Again, prevention is better than cure, so as a new dad, arm yourself with the knowledge that some things will need to be done differently going forward. Putting a concerted effort into more/better communication at this time will do no harm and can lessen the chances of a small annoyance becoming a bigger problem. Celebrate the ‘little wins’ and focus on the inevitable magic moments, together.

It is of course very easy to ‘let yourself go’, physically, at this time! Time is ‘not your own’ and your sleep is almost certainly non-optimum. It may be that your pre-existing ways of exercising might be ‘on-pause’ for a little while… but that doesn’t mean that you need to stop entirely! There are plenty of creative ways we can get you training effectively, without long workouts, at home. There is also lots we can do with your nutrition, both in terms of ideas and planning ahead, to keep things from spiralling in the wrong direction. Having plans in place for workouts that are doable, as well as food ideas that both nourish AND satisfy can really make a huge positive difference to how you navigate this unique and challenging time.

For further information or for a bespoke plan contact Ayo at: https://www.ayotrainingnutrition.com/contact/

Ayo Williams

The Lean Dad Project