Thriving as a father in 2021

May 12th, 2021

At various points in history the question has been asked “what does it mean to play or fulfil ‘a man’s’ role”? As a relatively new father I have had these conversations with my new group of friends (new dads) about what being a father means in today’s society. The perceived expectations of being a father in 2021 are different to those say in 1945, as the Second World War ended. The 60s too were a unique time (by all accounts) where ‘expected identity’ was challenged, and now we pivot again, in the early throes of the ‘information age’ (where we went from not having the Internet at all to having ubiquitous access to information in our pockets).

As we recover from the devastation of Covid-19, we are entering into a new post-pandemic age where once again our roles as fathers are being redefined. There’s a new responsibility to stay ahead of the speed of change regarding information and its delivery. More than ever, Dad needs to stay abreast of the zeitgeist to avoid not being left out of the conversation when it comes to what the kids are talking about… although one could argue that this has always been true!

Gender is not a binary construct and the acceptance of this is not necessarily a ‘given’ for those from a ‘traditional’ background. If one is to be as supportive as you would hope to be for whomever your child becomes, there is a need for education and understanding. We do not get to choose, and the ‘oak tree breaks while the willow survives’.

I love an analogy; “one must put one’s own oxygen mask on first before helping others”. In this context I feel that means that for dads to be effective or thriving we need to be clear on our own identity, beliefs and values before we can make intentional, informed choices about where to best spend our time. At its most simple level, it’s that correct allocation of time which leads to a feeling of fulfilment at the end of any given day.

What are your non-negotiables? What traits do you consider important to project? How would you describe yourself if you only had a sentence? Considering these questions can help frame both the small and the key decisions you make, as well as providing clarity in times of indecision.

Identity is something which immediately changes for many people the moment they have a child. What is your identity at the moment? It’s often multifaceted… are you a partner? An employee? A community member? Caregiver? All of these things can provide a sense of who you are and it’s a sad truth that many people never really think about this until something negative happens to jolt them into assessing these things – the loss of a job or the breakdown of a relationship often leads to soul-searching, for example.

It is incredibly healthy to think about these questions in the good times as well as the bad, asking yourself who you are, and how close that person is to who you’d like to be. What steps can you take (in the good times) to get your perceived reality closer to your ‘ideal’ reality. Selfishness is considered a dirty word but in the face of the increasing responsibilities which are a natural part of developing, it’s important to maintain a sense of self in the face of competing demands. This can manifest itself in a number of ways, from the trivial to the cerebral – it doesn’t matter. There has to be something in your day which is ‘just for you’, which connects you with ‘who you are’ or ‘who you’d like to be’ and is unrelated to the external things which have changed. Examples of this can be literally anything, from playing a musical instrument, to supporting your team, to reading a few chapters of a book… or even the simplest rituals like training or shaving. Anything which connects you to the past or maybe an imagined future can act as a salve to the psyche, if you can indulge for even a tiny proportion of a day or a week. This isn’t selfish… it could be the difference between thriving and ‘just surviving’.

A word on communication. It’s vital to being a thriving father, as those non-verbal as well as verbal cues shape our child’s early experiences and form the basis of the future of our adult relationships. The ability to ask open-ended questions, to genuinely listen and to not equate our own experience with another isn’t easy, but is a skill which is worth learning and practicing. No matter which generation you were born in the challenge of being a thriving father has existed. Perhaps staying open-minded whilst keeping those values, self-care and identity at the top-of-mind has always been the key to success.

We can’t end without acknowledging the massive benefits that physically taking care of yourself can have. Your overall wellness, vitality and resistance to illness are all undoubtedly boosted by mindfulness regarding your nutrition, and ensuring there is plenty of movement in your day, whether that is general activity, or specific training. Having a plan in place to nudge you towards your best physical self will also help you with your mental fitness, thus enabling you to genuinely thrive.

Ayo Williams

For further information or for a bespoke plan contact Ayo at: https://www.ayotrainingnutrition.com/contact/